


How to Surprise Your Boyfriend at Christmas

by Misscar



Series: What to Get the Captain and First Officer Who Have Everything but Each Other [3]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Establish Relationship, F/F, F/M, K/S Advent Calendar, Kelvin Timeline AU, Leaning on the Fourth Wall, Life is like a box of chocolates, Light Angst, M/M, Not canon compliant for Star Trek Beyond, Poor Carol, Sexual Humor, The alien plants got me pregnant, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings, jokes about sex toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 06:16:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2841056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misscar/pseuds/Misscar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Jim and Spock have been happily together for the last three years thanks to a meddling assistant, Nyota, and a little (alleged) shipping mishap from the Red Light District adult specialty shop. As a result of the candy cane ‘toy’ incident, Jim tries to figure out Spock’s gift early. This year with the ‘help’ of Baby Spock, Spock may actually pull off the surprise of a lifetime.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One: Do Not Go Looking for Things You Do Not Want to Find

**Author's Note:**

> Title: How to Surprise Your Boyfriend at Christmas 
> 
> Beta: GraysonSteele 
> 
> Series/timeline: ST: AOS 
> 
> Post STID
> 
> Part three of the series: What to Get the Captain and First Officer Who Have Everything but Each Other
> 
>  
> 
> Follow-up to: Operation Cheer Jim up and I Think There Are Rules about This Sort of Thing.
> 
>  
> 
> For KS Advent 2014 and a follow-up to my entries for 2013.
> 
> Because you guys enjoyed these two stories so much last year, I thought we would revisit this universe this year. I told you last year that I have a sequel problem. 
> 
> Rating: hard T/PG-13 mostly for bad words and dirty jokes
> 
> Length: 13,000 words-ish
> 
> Warnings: Jim Kirk’s allergies of doom, references to past unpleasant things like genocide and attempted murder by chocolate, cursing, dirty jokes about sex toys, a touches angst, and non-descriptive nudity.
> 
> Relationships: Established Jim/Spock, established Bones/Carol, best friends for life Spock and Nyota, and it’s complicated due to age difference Nyota/Kristen Klucking-Marcus (OFC)
> 
> Disclaimer: This story is based on characters created by Gene Roddenberry and reinterpreted by J.J. Abrams. This story is for entertainment purposes only. It's my turn to play and I feel like returning to this particular toy box.

Jim Kirk does not hate the Christmas/winter/December holiday season contrary to his current assistant Rafaela’s belief. Just because Jim refuses to authorize a Secret Santa gift exchange for winter season 2263 or ask Spock to be an elf, it does not mean he’s the second coming of Scrooge. Such an assumption is completely ridiculous.

 

Jim is still providing the ultimate winter season bash with enough alcohol to make the Starfleet powers that be very angry (if they knew) and food to add inches to every waistline. Screw you and your diet Dr. McCoy. Chocolate Santa Clauses and Snow People are everywhere. Jim loves his chocolate Santas, especially when he gets to feed them to Spock. (Chocolate fueled sex is fun and burns lots of calories.)

 

He allows mistletoe to be hung everywhere, even though there are technically rules against it. Jim will permit anything that will lets him to kiss his boyfriend openly. The real surprise is that Spock is going along with it.

 

Now, once upon a time, Jim really did hate this time of year. Actually, he pretty much hated everything from Thanksgiving to the anniversary of the London attacks due to the combined horribleness of his father dying on his birthday (January 3), living through a very Tarsus Christmas (because nothing says ‘Happy Holidays’ like starvation, genocide, and rape), the Chris Incident, and his mom dying on Christmas 2259. Even then he put on a good show and smiled through the pain. He made sure that his crew had the best Christmas holiday/winter season even if he wanted to cry the entire time.

 

Then three years ago Spock realized how miserable he really was and did something about it (with the help of Kristen, the only good assistant that Jim has had in the last four years). Never mind the fact that he ended up going on a wild goose chase due to the Red Light District mixing up chocolate body paint and the Pleasure Seeker 9000 (Kristen finally came clean about it a year ago), but it’s all good because it led him to Spock. So despite all of the bad stuff, Jim now associates making love to Spock for the very first time with this time a year which is enough to make him ambivalent regarding the whole winter season holiday thing. It allows him to deal with winter carols and polar bear cookies without the urge to hide in his cabin until March. Progress is good.

 

However, just because he has made peace with Christmas/winter season does not mean he will ever, ever authorize a Secret Santa gift exchange again. There lies darkness and really long conference calls with the idiots that be on what is technically supposed to be a holiday. In addition to the Pleasure Seeker 9000 incident of winter season 2260, there was the angry ex-boyfriend revenge incident of 2261. Nothing ruins Christmas like a murder plot.

 

Kristen’s replacement, Julia, decided that because Jim did not specifically prohibited a Secret Santa exchange that year she would do it again anyway. Of course, instead of using Carol’s brilliant algorithm that take into account personal relationships and the rumor mill, Julia assigned people randomly by pulling names out of a hat. This resulted in Lieutenant Morris getting her ex-boyfriend, Lieutenant Hunter. He was not happy that she was now engaged to Ensign Renner. Therefore he bought her a box of chocolates containing strawberries that she just happens to be extremely allergic to. This wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t purposely put a fake label on the box that claimed they were raspberry chocolates.

 

If it wasn’t for the fact that Bones carries an allergy hypo everywhere (usually earmarked for Jim), she would’ve died. Jim really didn’t like filling out the copious paperwork involved with attempted murder by Secret Santa gift or the forms for requesting a new assistant. This is especially true when it lead to missing a very special Spock first anniversary dinner (ie. sex accompanied by food). Of course, Spock brought dinner to him (and gave him a blow job in his office) which made things less horrible, but still the whole situation was enough to make Jim outlaw Secret Santa gift exchanges. It’s just too dangerous. (Now the reason he doesn’t ask Spock about the Santa’s elf thing is because he does have a genius level IQ and enjoys having sex. Asking something like that would be a surefire way to end up sleeping on the couch for the next two months and being cutoff until after Valentine’s Day.)

 

Another consequence of the great gift debacle of 2260 was that Jim went out of his way to find out what Spock got him ahead of time and not just for winter season/Christmas, but for any occasion that required an exchange of presents. This wasn’t just due to the great candy cane vibrator incident. (Seriously, what type of sick person makes a candy cane shaped sex toy?) It actually had more to do with the Valentine’s Day 2261 incident.

 

Once again Spock ordered a gift package from the Red Light District, mostly because they were one of the few companies that delivered to Starfleet ships anywhere in the galaxy because the owner was former Starfleet and was well aware you could make a killing selling sex toys to people too busy doing their job to actually have sex or maintain a healthy relationship. This time Jim ended up in Sickbay due to an allergic reaction to their Pop Your Cherry massage oil. In an effort to avoid extreme embarrassment, emotional trauma or hospitalization, Jim decided it was best to figure out what Spock was getting him ahead of time.

 

The first couple years were easy. All it took was a little hacking and he could find exactly what Spock was ordering and modify said order if necessary. Yes, it would’ve been easier if he just gave Spock a list of things he was allergic to, but at the time Jim was still new to this relationship thing and did not want to scare the guy away. His allergy list is kind of frightening.

 

A couple of months ago Spock found out what Jim was doing and was not happy. Spock really did want the present for their fifth anniversary of being Captain and First Officer to actually be a surprise. Spock got him a beautiful monogrammed vintage watch. However, Jim had sent it back because it was made of a metal that made him break out in hives. Spock was angry that his surprise was ruined by Jim’s snooping around. Although he happy that Jim was able to exchange it for a new watch that would not make him ill.

 

That meant for winter season/Christmas 2263 Spock would not be buying Jim’s present on the net. This also meant no purchase orders for him to hack into. That was so unfair.

 

Jim assumed that Spock picked up his present some time during their shore leave three weeks ago. Unless the three bottles of wine and six boxes of chocolates that Spock picked up were Jim’s presents, he does not think that’s what Spock did. Those were probably Spock’s gifts for the department heads. One downside of not doing Secret Santa is Jim and Spock had to get all the department heads presents. Jim personally went with gift baskets filled with fruits, cheese, and crackers from Cranberry Farms. He could see Spock going with wine and chocolate.

 

Originally, Jim thought the stuff that Spock picked up from Heidi’s Pleasure House was going to be his present, but they’ve already started playing with that stuff. Jim also ended up in Sickbay due to an… Did you know that you could accidentally get a ball gag stuck in your mouth? He had Kristen picked up three bottles of Bones’ favorite brandy just to make up for it. He is so happy Baby Spock is now above the Federation drinking age of 18 and can buy alcohol.

 

Jim is really lucky that Kristen was willing to do his winter season/Christmas shopping (for a fee of course) and bring everything to him when she arrives in four days. He missed Baby Spock horribly these last couple years during her time at the Academy. In addition to the Secret Santa mishap, one of his assistants actually tried to kill him and another one tried to sleep with Spock. His track record with assistants is just horrible.

 

However, Baby Spock would be coming back this semester to do her randomly assigned internship aboard Enterprise. Okay, it probably wasn’t that random of an assignment, but he refuses to admit that someone might have hacked a certain Starfleet program responsible for assigning interns to ships. He knows nothing about that whatsoever. Jim is just sad that she will be working with Spock in the science department instead of being his assistant again. She really was the best and has spoiled him for all other assistants.

 

Jim will take credit for getting Kristen here in time for Christmas. Carol has been extra edgy lately and maybe some family bonding would be helpful. Carol deserved to spend Christmas with the only family she has left. Unlike Jim, she actually likes her biological family and still speaks to them occasionally. (He was still upset that Sam moved to another planet and did not even bother to give him new contact information.) Jim is pretty sure the scientists will like this better than the gift basket everyone else is getting. According to Bones, Carol still has no idea that Kristen is coming. He’s looking forward to surprising her.

 

Just because Jim did not see Spock buy something for him on their shore leave doesn’t mean that he didn’t grab Jim’s present at some point. It’s not like they were together every single waking moment of the three days planet side. Spock wasn’t with him when he went with Bones to pick out Carol’s present. Let’s just say Jim maneuvering things to get Kristen here three weeks early was in response to Bones’ present.

 

So maybe when Jim was spending way too much time in alien jewelry stores trying to find something that screamed Carol Marcus, Spock could have picked up his present. (Jim may have spent a few minutes looking at the engagement rings for men, but he was just looking. It didn’t mean anything. Really, he was just looking. He already picked out a first edition poetry anthology instead along with a sex toy gift basket. You can’t go wrong with a sex toy gift basket as long as it doesn’t contain a candy cane shaped vibrator. Seriously, what the fuck!)

 

It was at that point Jim realized he was going to have to find Spock’s present the old-fashioned way and started searching his shared quarters with Spock. They have been living together for the last eight months after Spock deemed it illogical for the two to continue living separately when they spent 83.2% of their free time together. Okay, there was an ‘incident’ that resulted in a wall being knocked out of Spock’s room (It really was all Scotty’s fault and no, he doesn’t want to talk about it) and it seemed logical for Spock to move in during the repairs. By the time the repair was complete, they saw no point in Spock moving out. So, they now share tight living quarters. Yes, being Captain and First Officer meant they have a decent amount of space compared to some crew members that have to share a room with three people who had little more than a bunk to call their own. Nonetheless, there wasn’t exactly a lot of space to hide stuff.

 

Jim checked under the bed first. That’s where they kept most of their storage boxes. Yes, he did look through every single one of those boxes. Nothing except more new sex toys and Jim was there when most of this stuff was ordered, so really it couldn’t be that.

 

He then moved on to the bathroom and again nothing. There was a toiletry gift basket, but Jim is positive Spock purchased that for himself. He loves the Bath and Body Works aromatherapy relaxation stuff a little too much. Spock argues otherwise, but Jim knows that he uses their candles for meditation. Jim enjoys it too because it made their quarters smell like eucalyptus and green tea.

 

Next Jim moved to Spock’s desk. It’s completely possible that Spock hid something small in there. A new PADD could easily be inside the desk. Also jewelry could be hidden there. However, Jim found no little black boxes or electronics. Jim also checked Spock’s PADD to see if maybe his boyfriendwas making something for Jim like a new app for his PADD, but again he found nothing.

 

He finally moved on to the closet. There were a few new items of clothing, but Jim knew about those and none of that stuff was wrapped. Jim did find a neatly wrapped fleece blanket (that he had to rewrap). However, there was a card (which Jim discovered after the fact) saying that this particular present was going to Spock’s best friend for life, Nyota.

 

Now some men would be uncomfortable with the fact that their boyfriend was best friends with an ex-girlfriend. Jim wasn’t one of those guys. First, she helped Jim see the obvious as well as grow some balls and make a move on the Vulcan. Without her intervention, he would still be sulking over Spock.

 

Second, she was the one who help Spock realized that he was not straight. Again, without her it would’ve taken Spock a lot longer to figure this out. (Actually, Jim had an interesting conversation with other Spock and it really did take him a lot longer, like ‘losing his Jim forever’ longer.) Jim was perfectly comfortable with the fact that Spock and Nyota love each other in a heterosexual life partner sort of way. Jim never would come between their relationship.

 

It was at that moment that Jim realized that if Spock did not hide his gift in their quarters then there’s only one logical place he could be hiding the present. It was time to make a visit to Spock’s best friend.

XXXXX

“Jim, first of all, I’m not hiding your gift. So don’t even think about ransacking my quarters while I’m working. The linguistics specialists said barely looking up from her screen in the long-range sensor lab. “Second, I’d don’t know what Spock got you for Christmas, so just stop asking.”

 

“I don’t buy that.” Jim shook his head at her. “You’re his best friend. You tell each other everything. He even knows about you making out with the underage. If anybody knows what he got me for Christmas, it’s you.” Jim decided to try to shock Nyota into confessing. Kristen was always a fun subject to discuss. Nyota may blab everything just to end this conversation.

 

“Considering the fact that Kristen was emancipated at the time, it doesn’t count. Also, it was just one time and it didn’t go beyond kissing. Plus it was a kiss that involved mistletoe which technically means it doesn’t count at all.” Nyota said defensively.

 

“So what do you classify what happened on Valentine’s Day 2261 and her going away party as? A handshake involving tongues?” Jim asked snidely which resulted in Klingon cursing. When she brings out the Klingon curse words, Jim knows that he hit a nerve.

 

“She told you about that?” Nyota asked when she returned to speaking Standard. “Wait, she couldn’t have told you anything if you think that we only kissed …” Jim just started smirking.

 

“Fuck, I just told you everything.” Nyota just put her head in her hands.

 

“She told me about the Valentine’s Day make out session that you swore would never happen again to cheer me up as I was being treated with about a dozen allergy hypos. However, I saw an orgasm stoned Kristen sneak out of your room the day before she left to start at the Academy. Apparently, you didn’t keep your promise.” Okay, he did ask Kristen about what happened and she avoided his emails for three weeks. The next time he asked about it he found out the truth about the Pleasure Seeker 9000 incident.

 

"She was 18 at the time. She has a girlfriend now so nothing’s going to happen during her internship despite the fact that she’s almost 21 now.” Nyota spat out the word girlfriend like it was poisonous. Everybody knows that Nyota does not like Kristen’s girlfriend, Megan. Actually, no one likes the girl. Sure she looks like Nyota’s clone, but she treats Kristen like shit and Jim is positive the girl is sleeping around, if reports from a few of his favorite former teachers at the Academy were any indication. He refuses to feel guilty about keeping tabs on her. Kristen is his friend and he needs to watch out for her. He’s always going to have Baby Spock’s back.

 

“Who you think is an absolute bitch, but you will never tell Kristen that because you’re her _friend_.” Jim response instead.

 

“Exactly, I’m her friend. Just her friend.” Jim wondered exactly who she was trying to convince.

 

"Do you realize that in some languages friend is a synonym for…" Jim is cut off by fingers being pressed to his lips.

 

"I’m a linguistics expert, of course I know that.” Nyota sighed. “Is there any way we can not talk about this?”

 

"Just tell me what Spock got me for Christmas." Jim smirked.

 

"I honestly don’t know. Even if I did know, I wouldn’t tell you despite the emotional blackmail. Spock wants to surprise you for once. Just let him do this." She said almost pleading.

 

"The last time I got a surprise I ended up in Sickbay. The medical unit is not sexy and Sickbay with Bones is even less so.” Jim shuddered a little bit at the thought. “Do you have any idea how unbearable Bones is when you keep him away from sexy times? Especially, sexy times on Valentine’s Day. I had to get him so much alcohol on the next shore leave it wasn’t even funny."

 

"Considering your busy schedule, maybe it would be a good idea to just tell your boyfriend everything you’re allergic to?" Nyota asked with eyes closed.

 

"In my defense, I didn’t even know it was possible for me to be allergic to the Pop Your Cherry massage oil."

 

"Communication is the key to a healthy relationship." Nyota’s focus was on her station at that point, in obvious frustration.

 

"Says the woman who hasn’t had a long-term relationship in four years." Unless you count her being ‘pen pals’ with a certain Starfleet cadet who she apparently did something with after the 18th birthday. However, Jim was polite enough not to bring that up as well.

 

"If Spock did not turn out to be gay, we would probably still be together. We are absolutely perfect for each other, except when it comes to sex." That’s true.

 

"Which is again the entire reason why I’m sure you know what he got me. Sometimes it feels like you two share a brain. You are the best friend he has. He’s going to come to you for shopping advice.” Jim even brought out the puppy dog eyes. Not even Spock is immune to the puppy dog eyes.

 

"Yes, he did come to me for shopping advice.” The linguist finally confessed. “But I still have no idea what to get you other than vintage records and poetry books. Spock said that I wasn’t helpful at all and went to someone else. No, I don’t know who."

 

"All good presents. Also most of that stuff does not trigger allergic reactions or hospitalization." Jim smirked.

 

"Except that one time…" She said referring to last Valentine’s Day. Spock got Jim a very old collection of love poems from the 18th century this year. The moment Jim touched the book, he broke out in hives. Now all antiques have to be sanitized for Jim before touches them.

 

"We don’t talk about that one time." Mostly because that Valentine’s Day Jim just got more allergy hypos. At this point in their relationship, you would think Spock would just go with gift cards. It’s safer that way.

 

"And to prevent such allergic reactions Spock is having Dr. McCoy check all your presents ahead of time." She sighed. Actually, Bones pretty much demanded that safety measure after the love poem fiasco.

 

"So that means Bones knows what I’m getting?" Jim asked hopefully.

 

"Maybe if Spock picked out something that he is not sure about but…" She started to say, but Jim was already making his way to Bones office.

 

xxxxxx

"Do you really think your boyfriend is going to come to me for gift ideas, especially after the book fiasco? How was I supposed to know that the hobgoblin found Camus illogical?” ‘Of course not.’ Jim knows better. However, Jim felt it was in his best interest to not state that he thinks Spock would only come to Bones to make sure whatever he already got Jim would not cause anaphylaxis. Anaphylaxis is not fun.

 

“We don’t talk about Camus. It’s the thought that counts.” Jim said cheekily.

 

“I’m not sure you are going to be able to say that when you get a bad present. Just let it go." Bones said exasperatedly.

 

"I’m just trying to make sure that my present will not put me in Sickbay. Really, I’m doing this for both of us. I know you want your propo…” That’s when Bones put a hand over Jim’s mouth.

 

"Will you shut up you toddler. You know how fast gossip travels on the ship." The doctor reprimanded.

 

"It depends on the rumor. It really would’ve been helpful if I’d heard the ‘Spock is gay’ gossip a little earlier on."

 

"Even if you did hear that particular piece of gossip, you wouldn’t have believed it. You were oblivious back then.” Bones replied shaking his head.

 

"No-possibly-definitely.” Jim stammered. “It doesn’t matter. You know I’m just going to stay here in your office and keep bugging you until you tell me what he got me." Just to make his point, Jim sat down in a nearby chair and put his feet up on Bones desk.

 

"I don’t know.” Bones pushed Jim’s feet off of his furniture. “I really don’t know. I’m a doctor not a personal shopper."

 

“Yes and as a doctor I’m sure you want to make sure that whatever he gets me will not cause anaphylaxis. I was told he was going to check with you." Jim pointed out.

 

"Look, I don’t know what he got you. I just know what it’s made out of. You know you wouldn’t have to involve me in this if you would just tell the hobgoblin everything that you’re allergic to including nickel and silver. Spock does not want a repeat of the watch incident." Bones sighed.

 

"So he is getting me something else made out of metal? That could be a lot of things even something like what you’re giving Carol." Jim doubted it would be something like that because Vulcans do not do wedding rings let alone engagement rings. It’s not part of their culture.

 

"I may not even be giving Carol that. I asked Kristen to bring a backup present.” Bones said sadly.

 

"Why? What’s going on? What changed? You love her. You guys have been together for nearly 4 years. You guys live together now which is the entire reason I’m going to have to put Baby Spock in the general pool with the new be recruits. She’s going to hate that."

 

“I know. Kristen yelled at me several times because of that.” Bones sighed. “Just because we’ve been together for four years does not mean we should get married. I do love her, I just… Carol has been very withdrawn lately. There’s something going on, but she won’t talk to me about it. I just don’t think this is the time for a big ring. It feels like a big gesture like that would just push her farther away.”

 

“You think she’s going to break up with you?”

 

“I don’t know. I mean she’s acting like the cow did right before she informed me that she was sleeping with one of my friends.”

 

“Are you sure you’re not just seeing things because you’re scared. Marriage is a big step.”

 

“I know that. I’ve been married before you asshole. I’m not seeing things.”

 

“Which is the whole reason why I think you’re in self-fulfilling prophecy mode. Did you talk to her about this?”

 

"You’re actually asking me that Mister ‘Keep searching for his Christmas present because he’s too afraid to tell his boyfriend all of his allergies?’" Bones asked indignantly.

 

"Point.” Jim finally conceded. “So you really don’t know what he’s getting me?”

 

"I give up.” Bones walked out of his office.

 

"Hey! Wait! We’re not done here!" Jim called following behind.

XXXX

After Bones proved completely unhelpful, he decided to check with all his other friends to see if Spock asked any of those bastards for help picking out Jim’s present or subsequently hide it. Sulu laughed and said something about hating shopping. Scotty laughed and then asked if Jim had any suggestions on what to get Keenser, other than alcohol. Chekov gave him a sad smile before getting the hell out of the cafeteria. After three years, he would think Pavel would be over his one-sided hero worship crush. Jim doesn’t even know why he asked them considering all three of those chuckleheads got him socks last year.

 

Actually, Carol was the only one who was helpful. Okay, she started laughing too. Hysterically, actually. She blamed it on hormones and then covered her mouth when she said the word hormones. Then she ran out of the lab to the nearest facility to promptly start regurgitating. Being the good Captain that he is, Jim felt it his duty to check on staff members who start throwing up during a perfectly normal conversation.

 

“Do you want me to go get Bones?” Jim asked when she finally stepped out of the stall.

 

“No. I’m fine.” As soon as the words were out of her mouth she ran right back in the stall.

 

“Spock is usually the first one to point out the ambiguousness of that term, but right now I don’t think any definition fits especially because you’re still throwing up. You really should go to Sickbay.”

 

“I already did when Leonard was not on duty. I’m not sick. I also need mouthwash.” She said coming out of the stall again.

 

“I can’t think of any reason why you would be throwing up…” Jim trailed off as all the pieces started to come together. There is one reason why she would be throwing up and not be overly concerned about it.

 

"Hormones? You’re pregnant?” Then she ended up putting her hands over Jim’s mouth.

 

"You can’t say anything. I have not told Leonard yet. I’m not even… Fucking birth-control." That’s when she explained everything. So couple weeks ago, or rather seven weeks ago to be exact, they were on an away mission and Carol, who is currently re-training in biology now that her dad is no longer among the living, spent way too much time collecting samples of various plant life on the planet. One of the specimens is regarded by the local culture for its fertility properties and managed to deactivate her birth-control pills and the rest is currently a collection of cells in her uterus.

 

"Are you considering not having the baby?” Jim asked considering how frantic she was about everything that may be a distinct possibility.

 

“I am keeping the baby. Besides, if I can raise Kristen to be a halfway decent person, I think I’ll be okay.” Jim just smiled at her.

 

“Then why do you not want Bones to find out? You have to tell him unless you’re planning on leaving the ship and never telling him.” Jim says this is a joke, but considering the look she’s giving him he wonders if she is actually considering this.

 

“I would at least send a letter.” Jim wasn’t entirely sure she was joking.

 

“Is this why you’ve been so withdrawn lately? Bones is halfway convinced that you’re going to break up with him. Running away in the night would be the same thing. You can’t do that to him." Jim really hope she doesn’t do that. He is not ready to deal with the fallout if she chose to do something like that.

 

“I feel like running away, but I can’t. He really thinks I’m going to break up with him?"

 

"Yes.” Jim answered emphatically. “The guy has serious self-esteem issues and still doesn’t know why you’re interested in him. Plus you know what happened with his last serious relationship." _Also known as the world’s worst divorce._

 

"Still better than mine." She said with a sad smile.

 

"It’s very difficult to top having your girlfriend die in the Battle of Vulcan." This may have come out one night during a very drunken teambuilding exercise between the senior staff, in not to mention the notes about it in her personnel file.

 

“I think that’s why I want to leave." She confessed, but Jim is not entirely sure what she’s saying.

 

"Bones?" Jim asked for clarification.

 

"Starfleet. Do I really want to raise a child in this world? It is so dangerous. Kristen became an orphan twice over before her 16th birthday. If you didn’t work things out the way you did, I would’ve had to have send her to boarding school for the last two years. I spent most of my childhood in English boarding schools, which is why everybody thinks I’m British. Can I do that to my child? I don’t know." Tears were now running down her cheeks.

 

"And thanks to the success of Kristen, they have changed the rules about kids in Starfleet. This kid doesn’t have to become a product of the British boarding school system like you were." He said passing her a tissue.

 

"I’m still not… Just don’t say anything.” Carol pleaded with Jim.

 

"I will, if you tell me what my present is?" Okay, Jim really didn’t care about that at this point, but he just wanted her to stop crying.

 

"Do you really think Spock is going to tell me that? We still barely tolerate each other." She said a little annoyed but at least she wasn’t crying anymore. See, his plan worked.

 

"That’s mostly because…” _In another dimension we ended up having a kid together._ Considering the circumstances, it was probably best not to mention that.

 

“Spock is just Spock sometimes. Okay, he would not be willing to come to you. But who would Spock go to? I pretty much asked all of my friends and all of his friends on the ship and I still know nothing.” Jim told her frustratingly.

 

"Yes, but what about not on the ship?"

 

"Baby Spock.” That makes perfect sense. If Jim was using Kristen to do Christmas shopping then Spock could be doing the exact same thing. She was one of the few people that Jim trusted with his credit chip number. Also, she could get things that might not be available wherever the ship took shore leave. That was the whole reason why Jim was using her as his personal shopper. Spock knew she was coming because Spock helped pull a lot of the strings necessary to get Kristen here on time. Spock may not like Carol, but he adores Kristen in a very Spock way.

 

“Of course he’s using Kristen and she’s going to be here in four days too.” Jim mumbled to himself.

 

“What? Kristen’s coming for Christmas?” Carol’s shriek hurt his ears.

 

“Shit! That’s your Christmas present from me.” Given that Carol was now smiling maybe it was best that he told her.

 

“Thank you.” She said sincerely.

 

“It was Bones’ idea. You know he really loves you and maybe if you talk to him about this, you two could come to a decision together. You know you don’t have to go through this alone.”

 

“I know.” Carol gave him a sad smile.

 

“I won’t say anything to Bones, if you promise not to run away in the middle of the night no matter how scared you get.” Carol nods her head in agreement and Jim leaves to check with Spock’s most likely personal shopper.

 

Xxxxxx

"Are you crying?” Jim asked as soon as the 20-year-old Starfleet student answered. Her eyes were red and puffy and she had a tissue in her hand. Jim is almost positive that she would not have picked up for anyone else.

 

"Yes. I only picked up the comm because I thought it was my now evil ex calling to say that she made a horrible mistake by letting some skanky girl give her cunnilingus in the middle of some dirty club bathroom and I really want to tell her to get fucked.” It’s obvious she is lying. There is no way Kristen would have mixed up those phone calls because this is very, very, very long distance (and they may have done something slightly frowned upon for her to get access to these type of calls in her dorm room).

 

“Shit! You walked in on that?” Jim asked concerned.

 

“Yes. Then she blames her cheating on my being emotionally unavailable and pining after someone else that I will never have.”

 

“Which is completely untrue because you had her that one time.” Jim joked.

 

“I’m not even going to ask how you found that out. But yeah that one time was better than all the sex I had with the evil one combined. Seriously, if you’re going to have a tongue ring learn how to use it.” And so commences the ex-girlfriend bashing portion of this conversation.

 

“You’re too good for a clueless little girl like her." You’re also too mature. Kristen is 20 going on 35, but Jim doesn’t say that out loud.

 

"I know. Don’t tell Carol about the cheating. She never liked her." There’s no way he’s going to drop this bombshell on Carol right now. She has enough to worry about.

 

"I don’t talk to your cousin that much." He joked. His former assistant just gives Jim the look. Jim deserves that look considering he is probably the only person on the ship other than the doctor or nurse that did the tests that knows about the pregnancy.

 

"Okay, I don’t talk to her that much unless Bones is around. She’s dating my best friend.” _Who got her pregnant._ “Come on, I am much more likely to tell Nyota.” _So she will get her head out of her ass and finally make a move because age is a state of mind, not a number._

 

“Please, don’t tell her either." Kristen pleaded.

 

"What, that the girl you were dating just because she looks like Nyota fucked you over by fucking someone else? Of course, I won’t say anything to her about that." Jim said as sarcastically as possible.

 

"That wasn’t the only reason why I was dating her." At this point Kristen’s head was in her hands.

 

"No, she had a tongue ring, but we have already established that she didn’t know how to use it. You two really had nothing in common and you are a thousand times smarter than her. The only reason you are taking four years to graduate the Academy is because you are triple tracking in computer science, engineering, and command. So, really I can’t come up with another reason."

 

"Why do I tell you these things?" The cadet sighed.

 

"Because I’m your best friend." Jim smiled sweetly at her.

 

"Who’s blackmailing me with telling my friend about my absolutely horrible taste in women.”

 

“Is she really just a friend? Don’t you still want to sleep with her even though she’s keeping you guys in the friend zone?" Jim asked and Kristen blushed.

 

"Bastard. What do I have to do to keep you from telling Nyota about the girlfriend cheating thing?"

 

"Tell me what Spock is getting me for Christmas. I know that you’re also functioning as his personal shopper.” He didn’t of course, but the fact she started cursing confirmed that.

 

"Because you keep trying to figure out what he got you before he gives it to you. Besides why do you even think he arranged for me to do the shopping?” Jim doesn’t say anything. “Did you search your quarters first?”

 

"No,” he lied and she started giving him the look again. “Yes, but there wasn’t anything there which leads me to believe that he is using you."

 

"He really did want this to be a surprise." Kristen sighed.

 

"Surprises result in me ending up in medical or spending days trying to figure out who got me a dildo for Secret Santa.”

 

“That was a gift wrapping mistake." Kristen defended herself.

 

“A mistake that was traumatizing.”

 

"Fine,” she actually throws her hands in the air. “This is your present." She holds up of very large box from Casey’s Chocolate Tree.

 

Jim discovered that place during the dark days of waiting for his mom to die. Their salted caramel bar was the only thing that helped him get through it. They make everything by hand. And it’s wonderful. It was like happiness in a candy bar at a time when nothing was good.

 

"He’s getting me chocolate?” Jim said disappointedly. Despite knowing full well that Spock would never do something like an engagement ring, a part of Jim hoped that it was a possibility. Logically, Jim should have known better. Marriage is a human thing. They’ve already gone through that thing they do not speak of together, so in Vulcan culture they are sort of married or maybe just engaged to be engaged. It’s all kind of confusing and he is fluent in Vulcan.

 

“500 credits worth of custom-made truffles and your favorite salted caramel bars. Spock got you a year supply. He even double checked to make sure they do not use anything you’re allergic to.” Kristen pointed out when she noticed his sad face. That made him feel a little bit better. It was his favorite chocolate and Spock did take care to make sure he doesn’t break out in hives. If that’s not love, Jim doesn’t know what is. “Oh, I was also asked to pick up some chocolate body paint.” And this is why Jim absolutely loves his Vulcan.

 

"Okay, that makes me feel better except for the fact that my boyfriend had you pick up sex supplies." Jim joked.

 

"Did you not ask me to pick up a XXX gift basket from the Pleasure House? Megan saw me there and said that was the entire reason why she allowed that girl to fuck her."

 

“Which means I did you a favor by exposing what a bastard that girl really is."

 

"Why are we still friends?" Kristen just shook her head.

 

"Because you need a letter of recommendation and I kept you out of boarding school. Also I didn’t make you take the sexual harassment seminar after… "Jim just let the words hang there.

 

"Good point. You better practice your surprised face. Spock is going to be so angry that I told you." Jim doubts it. It usually takes something like Jim getting hurt for Spock to get angry.

 

"I promise."

XXXXX

Five days later, Jim actually did not need to use his much practiced ‘surprised’ face when he opened Spock’s chocolate extravaganza gift. To start with Jim was in a post-orgasm haze after having great Christmas sex complete with the Happy Gingerbread Man lubricant and the Pleasure Seeker 9001. When it came time to open the present, he was doing well to remember his name much less the fact that he needed to appear surprised. He was quickly brought out of his euphoric state when he saw the message inside of the box: 'Congratulations you’re going to be a dad'.

 

What the fuck?

xxxxxxx

To be concluded in part two


	2. Part two: The Unintentional Consequences of Being the Enterprise Personal Shopper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for enjoying the first part enough that you clicked on the second. A bonus of this festival is that you get to read part two immediately instead of waiting weeks and weeks for me to finish.

Kristen Klucking-Marcus was happy to be back on Enterprise even if that meant sharing a room with three other interns who pretty much hated her. This has been the norm during her Starfleet career. When your uncle turns out to be a warmongering sociopath, it effects how people treat you. In this case, however, they were jealous of the fact she was on a first name basis with their captain and on good enough terms with her new boss that she helped him pull off the ultimate Christmas gift surprise, she hoped. (She can’t believe that Jim actually bought that Spock was just giving him a box of chocolates. The Vulcan loves extravagant gifts.)

 

Her new roommates were also jealous of the fact that this was her second time on the ship and she already knew everyone and everything. They tried to play some childish prank on her to get her to go to the wrong part of the ship to pick up her uniform, but she knew better. She hadn’t fallen for a single one of their pranks yet and they’ve tried to pull a lot of them and they haven’t even been aboard 48 hours yet.

 

This wasn’t her fault. If Starfleet would just count her year and a half as Jim Kirk’s personal assistant as her mandatory ship bound internship, she wouldn’t even have to be here again. Unfortunately, her idiotic faculty advisor didn’t see her time as being someone’s personal assistant as being applicable to one of her majors.

 

That was absolute bullshit. She’s in the command track and she had a front row seat to what a captain really does for a year and a half. She’s learned things from Captain Kirk that were in none of her textbooks. Her professors, who were actually retired first officers or captains, appreciated that. Others like her faculty advisor, who never quite got that far, did not. Her uncle may have been responsible for his lack of progress through the ranks which would explain why the guy hates her with a fiery passion.

 

Be that as it may, she’s going to be working under Spock this semester. That was fine because Spock adored her as much as any Vulcan does. Enough that he asked her to be part of his grand scheme to actually surprise Jim just one time for Christmas. The Chocolate Tree will put anything in chocolate if you’re willing to pay enough and she’s a little sad that she won’t be there to see the look on Jim’s face when he opens the box. She wants to ask Spock to take pictures, but she is positive both will be naked at the time.

 

However, the problem with working with Spock is that it also means working with Cousin Carol, who is Spock’s number two despite the fact that they only get along when they’re talking science. Kristen hasn’t figured out how to tell Carol that Spock doesn’t like her because in another dimension her other self completely fucked over that Jim Kirk, literally and figuratively. If she were being honest, the real reason she has yet to tell Carol is because she would then have to explain how she knows and the reason involves a lot of hacking and overall invasion of privacy.

 

Anyway, being in the science Department is already getting calls of nepotism from the other interns as well as a few people who were new to the department. Apparently, they were not used to the Spock cold stare of death or the Carol Marcus glare of evil/guilt. However, the people that remembered her as Captain Kirk’s assistant knew better. They knew she worked her ass off to get where she is and nobody just gave her anything.

 

It was almost enough to make her wish that she had allowed herself to actually be randomly assigned to another ship. Fortunately, her current roommates would be gone by the end of January and she could hope the new interns will judge her by her actual abilities instead of her last name. More importantly, Carol needs her.

 

So after getting off the line with Jim and emailing Spock to let him know that Jim now knows about the box of chocolates, but not the secret present hidden inside, her communicator chimed again. She instantly knew that was another really, really long distance call. Because of that, Kristen was sure it was Spock.

 

 _“I told_ _you_ , _Jim only knows about the chocolates. He has no clue about the piece_ _from_ _Tiffany’s inside.”_ She said without bothering to let the other person speak.

 

 _“You really should check your caller ID before you start talking.”_ Carol said in a voice usually reserved for lecturing Kristen when she did something stupid. “You could tell Jim about his real present.”

 

 _“Jim always video calls unless you guys are in the Neutral Zone or deep space.”_ She can hear Carol’s eye roll.

 

 _“Why are you calling? You never call. You prefer text messages and emails.”_ Carol didn’t answer and Kristen’s mind went to only one possibility.

 

 _“Jim told you about Megan.”_ Kristen exclaimed angrily. _“He said he wouldn’t say anything. It wasn’t even that bad of a breakup. So what if I caught her getting eaten out by some slutty girl wearing jeans three sizes too small and a T-shirt that should be called a bra. The relationship was going to end eventually. She wasn’t the type of person I saw myself with long-term and even though we had the same equipment she still had trouble getting me…”_

 

 _“Megan did what?”_ Carol yelled cutting her off. _“Also him I don’t want to know about your hopefully ex-girlfriend skill set.”_

 

 _“Shit!”_ Kristen buried her head under her pillow realizing that she just told her very overprotective cousin about what Megan did. This was not good for anybody involved. Once upon a time Carol was a weapons expert. She definitely knows how to kill someone.

 

“ _So Jim didn’t tell you about Megan?”_

 

_“No, you did. Again, she better be your ex-girlfriend. You were always too good for her.”_

 

 _“Shit!”_ Kristen explained again. _“Yes, I dumped her. I’m not a doormat. I was going to tell you eventually just…”_ Didn’t want you to do this.

 

 _“You wanted to tell me when you arrived in person in four days.”_ Okay. How did she know that?

 

 _“Yes and you’re not supposed to know that_ _yet_ _.”_ That wasn’t the reason why, but Kristen was going to use that as an out.

_“Jim told me.”_

_“That was supposed to be a surprise.”_ Kristen pouted.

 

 _“It was a surprise when he told me. I thought you would not be here until the end of January when the winter interns arrive.”_ Carol actually seemed genuinely excited about Kristen being there early.

 

 _“Happy Christmas.”_ She joked.

 

 _“Although with the Megan thing_ , _I’m glad you’re going to get away from her early. I never…”_

 

 _“I know you never liked her.”_ Kristen cut her cousin off because she wasn’t ready to hear about her tragically horrible taste in women again during this conversation. _“Nobody liked her and you all thought I was dating her because she looked exactly like Nyota.”_

 

 _“I did not…”_ Carol started, but Kristen refused to let her finish that train of thought.

 

 _“Yes, you did. I don’t need_ _an ‘_ _I told you_ _so’_ _right now._ _Please, no_ _lectures.”_ Because Kristen already felt like a moron and did not need anyone else to make her feel even more idiotic.

 

_“I am the last person who can give you a lecture right now.”_

 

_“Why would that be?”_

_“I’m pregnant!”_

 

Kristen definitely was not expecting her to say that. Her cousin was the queen of birth control. Kristen is still trying to repress a certain lecture about female condoms and STI vaccines. There’s really some conversations that should not happen when you’re 12 and just figuring out that you like girls not boys (especially after hearing your uncle cursing out your cousin for dating an individual who is not only part Betazoid, but also female). Her cousin was also dating a guy who was even more pro-birth control than she was, especially after suffering a shotgun wedding due to defective spray on prophylactic. (This is another sex lecture that Kristen is repressing.)

 

So really Kristen did not see this coming. However, she had enough sense not to curse again. She could tell that Carol was already panicking and when Carol panicked she did really stupid things.

_“I would ask how, but I assume it was the usual way.”_ Kristen asked after waiting a few moments to gain her composure. Yelling would not be helpful anyway right now. _“Also, I’m not going to lecture you because there’s just no point. I’ll leave that lecture to your boyfriend. What did he say?”_

 

“ _I haven’t told him yet.”_

_“You’re telling me before you’re telling him. Why am I the first to know? The father should know first.”_

_“Actually, you’re the second to know and that’s only because I practically threw up all over my captain’s shoes when he went to interrogate me about what his boyfriend is getting him for Christmas.”_ Kristen couldn’t help but laugh. It was just so absurd.

 

 _“He asked you?”_ She managed to get out between giggles. _“Does Jim not realize that you and Spock only talk to each other for the sake of science?”_ Carol and Spock worked great together as long as they were not forced to actually socialize. It was one of the great mysteries of life.

 

_“We also talk to each other for the sake of Leonard. It’s not horrible. I’ve had worse. I_ _do not_ _have to tell Leonard about the pregnancy soon if…”_

 

 _“Are you thinking about terminating or doing embryo stasis?”_ Okay maybe she should have worded that question in a nicer way, but Kristen was concerned.

 

The good thing about the 23rd century is if you happen to have an unplanned pregnancy you can always have the embryo removed and frozen during the first few weeks and then implanted later to carry to term when you’re more ready to deal with said pregnancy. Kristen wondered if Carol would ever be in the right mindset to carry the pregnancy to term. Despite being thrown into the deep end and having to raise a teenager by herself, Carol seriously doubts her parenting abilities.

_“I don’t know. I’m not planning to terminate, but I’m still trying to figure everything else out_ _. Running away in the middle of the night seems like a good option. That way I don’t have to tell him at all.”_ For some reason Kristen felt this was not a joke.

 

_“It may be easier if the father knew what was going on. I mean it’s your decision but…”_

 

_“I’m want to figure some things out first.”_

 

 _“But why…”_ Kristen stopped speaking when she came up with another reason why Carol would be so reluctant to tell her boyfriend that she was pregnant. _“Are you freaking out over this because the baby is not his? If you cheated on him, you’re not my cousin anymore.”_

 

 _“I did not cheat on him, it’s complicated.”_ Carol said before explaining everything including her really weird conversation with Jim and her fears about raising another kid in space. Okay, most of her fears were about creating a new generation of Starfleet orphans.

 

Maybe Kristen should not have made a joke about being perfectly willing to step in if anything happened to either of them. She was just trying to be reassuring, but all it did was make Carol break out in tears.

 

_“I didn’t mean to make you cry. I was just trying to make you feel better. You know I’m always going to be there for you and Baby Bones. That being said, I think you should talk to_ _Leonard_ _. I think he can help you see what the best course of action is for both of you. You need to make this decision together. Maybe you would both be happy taking a planet based assignment. That is an option.”_

 

 _“Yes, but how exactly do I tell him that I accidentally got pregnant due to the mishandling of plant samples? This is just going to cause flashbacks to the ex-wife.”_ Carol lamented.

 

 _“Like that.”_ Kristen said flippantly.

 

_“Not helping.”_

_“Sorry, I promise to be serious.”_ Kristen just sat there quietly in her room thinking of a way that Carol could break the news gently. Then her eyes found their way to Jim’s Christmas present. That would work perfectly.

 

 _“I think I have something. There’s this chocolate shop by The Academy that makes these beautiful custom boxes of chocolate. Anyway_ , _they have this service where they let people put any message they want in the box. Their most popular is the_ ‘Will _you marry me box?’”_ Kristen joked.

 

“I’m not going to ask him to marry me just because I’m pregnant. I would hate to be proposed to for that reason, so I’m definitely not going to do it the other way around. There’s just no point in getting married just because you have a child together. Look at how his first marriage turned out?” That Carol took just a little too seriously.

 

 _“They also do a ‘Congratulations you’re going to be a mom or father’ box too. They even put a chocolate in the shape of a baby in a bassinet in the middle. It’s really cute.”_ Spock being the perfectionist that he is, Spock made her email him pictures of their entire inventory and all the different boxes that they do. If Jim was not her best friend, she definitely would not have work so hard to help Spock with his surprise.

 

_“So what are you suggesting?”_

 

 _“I will put in a last-minute rush order that I can pick up in the morning before going to the spaceport and you will give the box to Leonard for Christmas. I will even make plans to be somewhere else. It will work.”_ Kristen suggested.

 

In the end, Carol agreed to Kristin’s plan to tell Leonard about being pregnant via a box of alcohol laced chocolate which is why Kristen as alone in her room on Christmas morning eating replicated oatmeal (that and the fact she couldn’t take spending more time with the other interns than absolutely necessary). She really did need to work on getting the replicator to add cranberries and sunflower seeds. The cranberries make it Christmas appropriate. Okay and the dark chocolate. She needed dark chocolate right now. She was just a little nervous.

 

Once Leonard knew the good news they would either celebrate together as a family or she and Carol will have a movie marathon and Kristen will make plans to move back in. As much as she hates living with these three obnoxious people (and yes, in less than two days she can say they’re really obnoxious people), she’s really hoping she doesn’t get out of this room for something like that. Either way, she will need her strength, especially if any of her roommates come back early from Christmas/winter holiday breakfast.

 

This is doubly true if they come back drunk from a very Enterprise Christmas/winter holiday breakfast. The day of the big party Scotty breaks out the alcohol extremely early, like mimosas early.

 

When the door chimed halfway through her bowl of oatmeal, she wondered if one of her roommates was already way too drunk to remember their access code. At least she hoped it was, because if Carol was here this early things went really bad.

 

“Why do I have to have toddlers for roommates?” She mumbles as she opens the door only to see Nyota on the other side. Since arriving back on the ship, Kristen has seen Nyota only one time (she’s been busy trying to keep Carol from running away in the middle of the night). That was last night at the officers/people covering the bridge during the regular party/welcome back to Enterprise Kristen party. They spoke for a few minutes, okay 20 minutes and it was good and slightly miraculous that she did not mention the Megan incident. Okay, she had to lie through her teeth about Megan, but she swore she could detect just a tiny bit of jealousy, so it was worth it. (Yes, 3 ½ years later and she is still hopeless.)

 

She also gave Nyota her Christmas present last night. It was a handmade scarf. It was nice, but not ridiculously pretentious and didn’t automatically say I’m still kind of in love with you. Besides after the Megan fiasco Kristen is going to stick with the Her Pleasure Seeker 9001 for the foreseeable future. However, she was so nervous about it that she would not let Nyota open it there. Said Christmas present was in Nyota’s hands right now.

 

“Hey, do you want to come in? My roommates are doing a very Enterprise Christmas/winter season holiday breakfast and I’m not supposed to come over to Carol’s until after gift time.” In addition to picking up Carol’s special present, Kristen had to pick up Carol’s gift from Leonard at Heidi’s House of Pleasure. She really doesn’t want to ever, ever know what was inside ever.

 

“That’s okay. This won’t take long. You’re not going to be there when they opened gifts? I thought the whole point of you coming early was so you could spend Christmas with your cousin.” It was until she found out Carol was pregnant. Now the main point of her being was to keep Carol from running away in the middle of the night without telling her boyfriend that she was pregnant. However, she can’t tell Nyota that.

 

“I picked up Carol’s gift from Bones at Heidi’s Pleasure House. I decided it was best to join them later.” Kristen said as an excuse.

 

“One, I can’t believe he asked you to pick up your cousin’s present from there.” Neither could Kristen, but Leonard was desperate and Kristen just wanted her baby cousin/pseudo-brother or sister/pseudo-niece or nephew to have a mommy and daddy.

 

“I didn’t mind, as long as I don’t know what I picked up. He paid me. That’s how I was able to afford nice Christmas presents this year.” Kristen explained. She really did make a small fortune on being the official shopper for Enterprise. She came with two suitcases filled with gifts for lots of people.

 

“That… Actually that is what I wanted to talk to you about. I can’t accept this.” She’s not surprised. Maybe Nyota figured out exactly how much the scarf cost. It was way over the 20 credit maximum allowed per Starfleet regulations, except she’s not really Starfleet until tomorrow and they already have a pre-existing relationship even if it’s complicated to the point that Kristen believes that Megan may have been right about her being emotionally unavailable.

 

“I get that it’s too expensive but…” Kristin started.

 

“I don’t care about the credit limit. We’re friends so that rule doesn’t apply, but still you can’t get me stuff like this even if we are friends. Even as a gag gift I can’t accept this because…” Nyota just puts the box in her hand.

 

“Wait, why would I give you a handmade scarf as a gag gift?” Kristen asked, but Nyota just start speaking again as if she did not hear her.

 

“You have a girlfriend and apparently things are going good. It wouldn’t be right for us… You don’t give vibrators to someone you actually had sex with unless it means…” Nyota just kept rambling, so Kristen placed two fingers to her lips to get her to stop. Yes, her stomach did the butterfly flippy thing and no she doesn’t want to talk about it.

 

“Listen to what I’m actually saying. Why would my girlfriend be mad if I got you a scarf?” Especially if she’s no longer my girlfriend. She is really kicking herself for lying last night. Why did she not tell Nyota the truth? Oh, yes it was because Kristen was ashamed of what happened and she couldn’t tell Nyota the truth.

 

“That’s not a scarf you gave me.”

 

“Yes it is.” Kristen said before she lifted the lid of the box. “I double checked twice before gift wra…” She stopped speaking mid-word as she sees the very large purple vibrator and skimpy underwear.

 

“I am never ever going to let Carol giftwrap another present. Why do my cousin and her boyfriend give each other sex toys for Christmas?” She lamented.

 

“You didn’t buy me this?” Maybe Kristen was just seeing what she wanted to see, but Nyota seemed almost disappointed.

 

Kristen never got to answer that question because a slightly annoyed captain was coming right her way with his boyfriend following behind.

 

This is not good.

XXXXXX

James sat in front of Spock staring at the box of chocolates after reading the message inside. This was not the response to this question that Spock was expecting.

 

“I know that I didn’t always pay attention as much as I should have during biology at the Academy, but I’m pretty sure that this is not possible unless those magic fertility plants that fucked up Carol’s birth-control really did a number on you.” James babbling was also not the response he was expecting nor is it at all appropriate for Spock’s proposal. “Although, this is Enterprise. So, I could total believe us finding plants that make guys get pregnant. That would just make perfect…” His words come to an abrupt stop when Spock puts his hand on James naked shoulder. (Spock could feel a myriad of confused emotions coming off of his boyfriend and none of them seem to be related to the question asked.)

 

“James, why are you babbling?” James wordlessly passes the box of chocolates to him. Spock was not expecting to see candy in the shape of a small child in the middle of the box. He chose a selection of dark chocolate truffles, most of which were to be filled with Carmel and topped with salt. Nor was he expecting to see a message about the possibility of James being a father in bright pink letters.

 

“That was not the message I asked Kristen to place in the box.” He emailed Kristen on six separate occasions regarding his specific instructions for James present. This was not in those instructions.

 

“So you’re not pregnant?” Spock was tempted to place his head in his hands at that absurd question.

 

“That is impossible.” Spock replies quickly uncertain of why James even considered this a possibility.

 

“So is coming back from the dead but…” James leaves the words hanging there. Spock assumes this is because any discussion about James death is difficult even though it has been nearly 5 years. However, the fact that James was throwing on a pair of pants at a speed usually reserved for being forced to leave the room due to an attack by the Klingons pointed to another reason.

 

“Why are you getting dressed?” Spock asked slightly puzzled.

 

“We have a personal shopper to interrogate. Either this is Kristen’s idea of a joke or... Just put your pants on.” Jim looked quite sad when he said this.

 

Xxxxxxx

Less than five minutes later they were both fully dressed and en route to Cadet Klucking’s quarters.

 

“You know if you just told me what I was getting I would’ve known right away that I received the wrong present and this would not have been a problem.” Spock is completely unsurprised that James mentions this now, only slightly frustrated.

 

“If you would trust me with a complete list of your allergies, I would not have to go through such lengths to surprise you for Christmas or any other holiday.”

 

“That doesn’t always help. I had no idea that the love poems last year were going to make me swell like a ballo…” James stops speaking abruptly as they approach the cadet’s room only to find Nyota standing at the door.

 

“Please tell me you got a really beautiful handmade scarf that included a cityscape of San Francisco?” The cadet asked as soon as she noticed James.

 

“No, just a box of chocolates telling me I’m a father.” For some reason Nyota started to giggle.

 

“Carol must’ve fucked up the presents when she offered to giftwrap.” The cadet said in frustration before turning to Nyota. “See, I’m not a complete pervert unlike my future cousin in law.”

 

“This is what you get for not wrapping the stuff yourself.” Nyota managed between fits of laughter.

 

“I would have if I didn’t have to pick up Carol’s emergency Christmas present an hour before boarding the shuttle.” Cadet Klucking said pointing to the box of chocolates in James hand and Nyota stops laughing abruptly.

 

“Seriously?” The Cadet just nods her head in confirmation of Nyota’s unasked question. The cadet and Nyota can usually understand each other with minimal words. “I knew it wasn’t the flu. She destroyed a pair of my shoes yesterday.”

 

“That’s how I figured it out,” James said before turning to Cadet Klucking. “You actually convinced her to tell him?”

 

“Yes. We went with the box of chocolates because if she had to use her words she would run away before she got them out.”

 

“That’s true.” James mumbled low enough that Spock was possibly the only one who heard.

 

“Also if she does decide to stay we are going to have to figure out how to extend my internship because my cousin is not giving birth in space without me.” The cadet said forcefully. Even before Kristen’s declaration, Spock concluded that they were speaking about Dr. Marcus being pregnant with Dr. McCoy’s child.

 

“Dr. Marcus is with child.” Spock stated matter-of-factly.

 

“Hey! It wasn’t me so don’t glare. I have not touched a vagina in like five years. Just because other me…” James stops speaking abruptly realizing that he was going to reveal classified information pertaining to the other timeline. “Your dick is the only private part I want to touch for the rest of my life.” Although explicit, Spock appreciated the sentiment behind the words.

 

“See, Jim really does love you.” Kristen smirked. “Look, calm down. Bones knocked up my cousin and she’s freaking out, like wanting to leave the ship in the middle of the night without telling anybody freaking out. I finally managed to convince her to tell him via box of chocolates from the Chocolate Tree. Anyway, because I had to pick it up at the last minute, I didn’t have time to wrap some of the gifts. Carol helped which resulted in you getting the “Congratulations you’re going to be a father” chocolates and Nyota getting the Pleasure Seeker 9001 with what I’m sure are crotchless panties.” James started to snicker at that.

 

“Like that was an accident. That was your reaction to finding out Megan was fucking around on you.” James alleged.

 

“Megan cheated on you? Last night you told me things were going well?” Nyota accused.

 

“They are going well now that she and I are no longer together.” The cadet replied flippantly. “I’m not going to keep throwing myself at someone who doesn’t want me. I have too much self-respect for that.” Spock was certain that statement was not solely aimed at her ex-girlfriend.

 

“You lied to me.” Nyota’s words were not angry, there was just a hint of sadness in there.

 

“Yes, I lied to you. I just wasn’t… I wasn’t ready for you to know that things ended spectacularly horrible with Megan.” Nyota’s response was to just wrap an arm around the younger woman.

 

“I value your opinion of me and… I’m just going to shut up now before I dig myself in any deeper because less than a week ago I caught my girlfriend fucking around with someone else and I’m not ready for this especially with Carol and the baby.”

 

“Okay, we’ll talk later.” Nyota said as she placed a kiss on Kristen’s forehead.

 

“I wonder how much actual talking will be involved.” James whispered to Spock. This resulted in receiving glares from both women.

 

“Seriously?” Kristen said as she pulled out of the embrace with obvious reluctance.

 

“I so get to make snide comments right now. You owe me. You almost gave me a heart attack with your gift fuck up. I was envisioning whatever deactivated your cousins birth-control was able to make male pregnancy a reality.” That resulted in another bout of laughter from Nyota. The cadet was also trying to stifle laughter.

 

“It would be impossible for us to conceive a child without medical intervention and a donor embryo, especially in light of your infertility.” One of the long-term side effects of radiation poisoning with James was he was now unable to have children the traditional way. However, this was not an option anyway in the relationship.

 

“Yes, but the magical mystery plants deactivated Carol’s birth-control as well as Bones birth-control. After Jo Jo and the shotgun wedding…” James started to explain the basis of his hypothesis, but was interrupted by Nyota.

 

“Speaking of Carol…” She quickly stated as she pointed to the doctor who was looking quite angry and also in tears. She was also carrying another box of chocolates from the Chocolate Tree of San Francisco. Spock was quite certain that this was the package originally met for James.

 

“Good, I don’t need to make another trip.” Carol stopped right in front of Jim. “I can’t believe you fucking told him.” The doctor screamed.

 

“I did not tell him anything. I didn’t tell anybody anything.”

 

“Except he told Nyota about Megan.” The cadet corrected.

 

“Yes, but only because I thought you already told her. I did not tell her about the pregnancy, okay technically we told Spock but…”

 

“I already figured it out. You’ve been sick a lot lately.” Nyota added from the side. Carol just looked confused.

 

“Then why the hell did he propose?” She said pushing the box at James.

 

“This was my original present?” James asks as he opens it. Spock just nods his head in agreement. He looked over to see that this box did include the message and superscript: For my T’hy’la. Will you spend the rest of your life with me?

 

“There’s a piece missing.” Jim said not commenting on the message.

 

“There should be a platinum ring embedded in the middle piece. According to Dr. McCoy, you are not allergic to this metal.”

 

“He really did get you the ring. I helped pick it out. Actually, we ordered it with my account just so there wouldn’t be a paper trail for you to follow.” Nyota confessed.

 

They looked for months for the perfect ring finally finding something appropriate at Tiffany’s of Earth. Now that James knew about the ring, he could transfer the funds back into her account.

 

“And I picked it up.” Kristen added.

 

“I threw it at Leonard when I was leaving.” Carol explained to the group and Jim just looked completely stunned.

 

“You all lied to me.” James turned to Nyota.

 

“I’m a very convincing actress.” Nyota smirked at him.

 

“Especially when it comes to Kristen.” Jim mumbled under breath causing him to receive another glare from Nyota.

 

“It was the only way he was going to pull off a surprise proposal and it probably would’ve worked if the packages did not get screwed up.”

 

“This wasn’t for me?” Carol asked confused.

 

“Because Jim keeps trying to figure out what his present is early, we had to go to great lengths to fool him. I came up with the idea of hiding the engagement ring in a piece of chocolate that way I could literally show Jim what is present was and he would still be surprised. However, I’m just going to blame the box is getting mixed up on pregnancy brain and leave it at that.” This resulted in Dr. Marcus unleashing the glare she usually reserves for interns who trigger explosions in the lab.

 

“This is actually what Bones got you.” At this point, the cadet passed the box that she was holding to Dr. Marcus.

 

“I don’t need to look I already know what’s inside.” She handed the box back to Cadet Klucking. “You need this more than me.”

 

“Wait, why do you already know what’s inside the box?” The cadet asked her cousin as Nyota looked on awkwardly.

 

“So he doesn’t want to marry me?” Dr. Marcus seemed almost disappointed.

 

“That was the backup present.” They all turned around to see Leonard McCoy holding a black velvet box. “This was your actual present, but I wasn’t sure if you were ready for a ring. Actually, I was half convinced I was going to get a Dear John letter any minute.”

 

“So you’re not just proposing because I’m pregnant?”

 

“You’re pregnant?” Leonard asked slightly bewildered.

 

“Bones bought that ring weeks ago before you started throwing up on everybody. However, he’s been talking about it since last Valentine’s Day. Long before you encountered the plants that fuck up birth-control.” James said in support of his friend. That caused the expression on Carol’s face to soften.

 

“Just eight weeks. As our captain so delicately put it, on a mission we encountered some sort of vegetation that deactivated my birth-control and here we are.” Dr. Marcus was on the verge of tears as Dr. McCoy wrapped his arms around her.

 

“Baby or no baby, I’m in this for the long haul. After the mess that was my first marriage, I would never do that again. Marrying someone just because you got someone pregnant is good for no one, especially the child involved. Thankfully, I really do love you and I want to build a life with you. We just started on the building a family part a little bit earlier than expected, but it’s okay.” The doctor placed a kiss on her temple.

 

“Sorry.” She said breaking the hug to snatch the box from his hands. She did not place the ring, the beautiful, halo set ruby ring it on her finger she just held it.

 

“So is this the yes?” He asked hopefully.

 

“This is not a conversation I want to have in a hallway with my cousin and my captain watching.”

 

“Okay.” Leonard said nearly dejectedly as he pulled away from her, but Carol grabbed his hand.

 

“It’s not that I don’t love you or that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you, but we need to decide what we want. I’m the product of two people getting married who didn’t love each other in had no business being together. I don’t want to make…”

 

“You’re not your mother,” Spock could hear Cadet Klucking mumble from the side of her cousin.

 

“Kristen, I know that. Leonard, I’m not saying no. I’m saying maybe. I just need to be 100% certain you’re not just doing this because the proverbial condom broke.” Then she leaned over and kissed him.

 

“I’m not and I will do whatever it takes to prove that.” The doctor stated before returning to their previous embrace.

 

“Can you guys please get a room now?” The slightly embarrassed teenager called from the sidelines. “You can take my room. Although, please have sex on Nikki’s bed. She’s been an absolute bitch to me.”

 

“What did she say to you?” Nyota said turning to Kristen. At that moment, Spock realized that Nyota’s hand was entwined with Kristen’s. The gesture may not mean the same thing in human culture, but Spock was sure it meant something with these two. He just hope Nyota figured it out before next Christmas.

 

“You can say maybe, but I’m saying yes.” Spock turned to his boyfriend at his words. “That’s what this was, right? You are asking me to marry you or at least that was the plan before…” James trailed off as he pointed to the box.

 

Spock walked over to James and placed their fingers together.

 

“I do want to spend the rest of my life with you. A marriage is legal recognition of that decision and I wish to have my feelings for you recognize. While an Earth custom, I did get you a ring. Although I am uncertain where that rin…” Spock is cut off mid-word by James lips descending upon his. Spock decided to take this answer as a yes.

 

Eventually, they did find the ring in Dr. Marcus’s quarters with the assistance of Cadet Klucking and Nyota (who thanks to James did end up kissing under the mistletoe twice during the search). Thankfully, the jewelry did not cause James to break out in hives as Spock put it on his fiancé’s finger.

 

“I think Operation Surprise Jim was a success.” He heard Nyota say as she snapped an image of Spock placing the ring on James finger. When he saw this image later, Spock completely agreed with the sentiment.

 

The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m already planning a sequel for 2015. There may be a Valentine’s Day addition to this series but I do have a few other projects to work on so I don’t know. Anyway, comments and kudos make for a happy writer and a happy writer writes more.
> 
> Also if you need more Christmas/holiday goodness check out Last Request. I collaborated on this story with AshayaTReldai. Check it out, especially if you’re a big fan of my Dear Spock universe.
> 
> The prompt: Jim's nosy and not above searching their quarters to find out what Spock's got him for Christmas. How does Spock hide his Christmas gift for Jim?


End file.
